I’m scared, frightened, afraid.
Of what? You ask.
Of being alone, I say.
I’m here, you say.
For now, I say.
Forever, you say.
You say, you say.
What else? You ask.
The dark, I say.
Turn some lights on, you say.
Very funny, I say.
Death, I say.
That’s life, you say.
You say, you say.
I’m scared
Of living, breathing, waiting,
For what? you say.
I’m not sure, I say.
I’m scared of the future.
Tomorrow does not exist–don’t worry.
I’m scared of the past.
Yesterday is gone–forget it.
I’m scared of me, you, us–everything and nothing.
Tell me, you say.
Hold me, I say.
I’m scared of falling.
Falling, falling, falling into endlessness.
Catch me, I say as I
Fall into your arms.
Not understanding this fear that
Envelops me,
Surrounds me,
Suffocates me sometimes.
I don’t understand it, so
How can I expect you to?
I fall, once again into your arms.
Falling, falling, falling
Into the fear that is
Nothing and everything and
Endless.
First Draft January 2000/Revisited May 2013
Notes: I’m not super thrilled with this poem. I’m happy with the overall themes running through it, but not sure if it needs to be broken down into a few smaller poems or if it works as a longer one. I thought I’d throw it up here though as an example of how the creative process works–at least how it works for me. I think it’s good for me to realize that not everything on this blog has to be perfect. If that were the case, there would be nothing up here. I already find myself editing, re-editing. Which is okay, as long as I don’t get hung up on that elusive quest for perfection. While researching for an undergraduate paper years ago, I stumbled across an article about the correlation between perfectionists, procrastinators and eating disorders. Since I have fallen (there’s that word again, fallen, as though I have no say in my life) into all of these categories at some point in my life I found it very interesting. It didn’t really have anything to do with the paper I was writing, but I xeroxed it and read it and re-read it, feeling that it somehow validated who I was a person, student, and scholar. Now, I’ve really veered off course regarding my original intent. At any rate, this is a poem that I feel is helping me work through the ‘re’s in my creative process–repeat, reflect, reject, revise.
thinkdreamdo 