Reflections on October 1, 1993

 

English: Aikey Brae Stone Circle Thought to be...

English: Aikey Brae Stone Circle Thought to be about 4,000 years old, this stone circle was possibly used to track lunar cycles. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

You left us today.
You didn’t wish to go,
Or maybe you did.
(I’m not sure.)

Did you choose to leave us on this day?
Escaping from the pain and poison that had left you
Speechless.
Motionless.
Or was it beyond your control
The same way your body was?

I didn’t want you to go.
But I would not have wanted you to stay
The way you were at the end.

Why did it take me so long to tell you
I loved you?
Why didn’t I tell you that
Day after day after day?
(The way you always told me)
Because I thought we had more time.

Why did I spend that day
Pouring out my heart to you?
Declaring my love for you–
Even though I wasn’t sure you could
Hear or understand me anymore.
I knew you couldn’t answer me.
Why did I leave it so long?
Because I thought we had more time.

There is never enough time.

Others told me that you knew
I loved you.
And that you leaving us was for the best
So that you wouldn’t hurt anymore.
Logically (I thought you being a man of logic would appreciate me using the term logically)
I understood this.
But it didn’t make it any easier.
Not then.
Not now.
Not ever.

They say time heals all wounds
(who are ‘they’ anyway?)
But a broken heart can never be
Repaired or restored
To perfect condition.
This hole in my heart
Belongs to you
And although it aches
And cries out for you
I wouldn’t want it patched
(Even if it were possible)
Because I wouldn’t want to
Lose you again.
My memory and my sorrow
And my love for you is
All that I have left

Now that you are gone.

Notes: I just showed my mom this poem and she reminded me that I had told her that my dad had squeezed my hand on that last day when I told him that I loved him. I know she meant well, but it just makes me even more sad that I can’t clearly recall that. How is it that the extremely sad images seem to be so crystal clear and the happier ones seem to get pushed aside in this memory bank of mine?

 If you would like to contact me about this post or about anything else you’ve read please email me at: judyamy74(at)gmail(dot)com or tweet me @JudyAmy74

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6 thoughts on “Reflections on October 1, 1993

  1. So sorry you had to endure this loss. This really speaks to me as I’m sure it will to those who’ve also lost loved ones. So perfectly said.

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    • Thanks Maria. It’s weird how we always have time–time is what we make of it–yet there is never enough time to say “I love you.” I knew my dad was dying for a year and still on that last day, I felt as though there was so much more I needed to say and never had the chance.

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    • Thank you for your extremely kind words, Bonnie. Pauline is a wonderful person and you are lucky to be her forever friend–I love that term by the way.
      Is there any chance you knew my dad? He taught Grade 11 Math for many many years in the small town where I grew up wearing his suit and tie drawing his perfect circles on the chalkboard.

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    • “Why do people cry when they’re sad?” I continued . . . “Well,” he said, “because sometimes you have to wash the windows of your eyes to see more clearly!” –August Strindberg, A Dream Play

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