R is for a Poem

For as long as I can remember
The weight has hung heavy
Around me.
When I was little
It was there, prodding me
To watch out for my younger sister–
The weightless one.
She was free.
I was not.

When I grew a bit older
The weight shifted,
Causing me to lie awake at night
And pray to the saints or whatever other god I hoped
Might listen to a young girl,
And keep my older brothers
Safe from harm.
Lying awake in my bed,
I fell asleep the moment the
Headlights flashed in the driveway–
The heavy weight
Lifted temporarily.

I tried to fight it
When I felt I was able.
I desperately wanted to be free
And thought I deserved that chance.
But the weight was too strong
And dragged me back down.
The freedom was only fleeting
Never truly freeing
And the guilt afterwards weighed just as heavy.

I often wonder how this weight
Was first designated to be mine.
Innocent words
(Probably)
Meant to praise but instead
Transforming into a prison cell in my mind–

After many long, hard years
I have been granted parole.
Yet I am never completely free.
For I am responsible.

An example of the large (56 lb) weight used in the weight throw event in Scottish Highland games (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Notes: R is for Responsibility. I have always been known as the responsible one in my family. What can be considered a strength can also be a weakness. This poem illustrates some of the struggles I have with always having the burden of responsibility thrust upon me. I am so responsible that I actually wrap up my therapy sessions on my own, because I am conscious of the therapist’s time and know that I cannot introduce a new issue with the time left. So I neatly package up my current issue, with five minutes left to say thank you and make another appointment. I’m pretty sure not everyone does this. I had one therapist who told me that this was not my responsibility, and that I shouldn’t concern myself with the time. When she used that word in such a casual manner, I knew we weren’t destined to get through this journey together. She didn’t understand the concept of responsibility.